Hello, you beautiful and wonderful people!
Well it seems it has been awhile since I wrote last and I honestly cannot believe it has been over 8 years since I started this blog, man, if I had kept up it would have been amazing.... But seeing as how I haven't written in 2 years, it is not so miraculous. Anywho, I have been trying to focus more on self care these days and I remember how much I enjoyed writing in here.
So... What's new? Uhmm I want to take the easy way out and say nothing but it has been 2 years, so obviously something is new!
1. I called it quits with my B.Ed for honestly, a lot of different reasons.
2. I went back to doing hair - who would have thought!
3. I went through a really hard breakup and a broken heart.
4. I met the most wonderful human.
5. I dealt with a lot of death.
6. I am starting to figure myself out.
Well, where shall we start to elaborate on any of that...
How about school... Well, I did almost 2 years of school and it was hard. School is not something that has ever come easy to me and I pushed through those two years, and I think the biggest reason for leaving it all behind was simply a lack of encouragement from a lot of my mentor teachers. Not one of them told me that it would all be worth it in the end, or to keep pushing through. They did tell me that I chose a very difficult career that really had a way of consuming your life and when I sat back and looked at it all, I wasn't so sure that my whole heart was in it and I began to struggle, on paper and mentally. I felt that I had a lot of teachers growing up who felt "meh" about their jobs and I never ever wanted to just be a mediocre teacher, I wanted so badly to love it and everyone encouraged me and told me I would be so good at it and I tried and tried and it just didn't feel right at the end of the day and I think that I liked the idea of being a teacher more than anything else (I mean, aside from the kids. I really liked them too) ... as I began to doubt my choices, my grades reflected it that immensely, I began to waiver and so did everything else. Eventually, the choice was made, this was not my path.
Hair.... Well that came right after. I had decided right after hair school that this was never going to be something I pursued, for many reasons again but the main reason for this one was I think, at the end of the day because it scared the hell out of me and to be completely honest, a lot of society telling me "you could do so much more..." and I felt like I had to prove myself, to some phantom out there, to people I didn't care about or maybe even know. I had to prove to them that I could do more than hair, "because anyone can do hair." WELL - first thing I learned, the hard way, hair is not easy and damn to those people who think otherwise - and the second thing I learned and am forever learning is that there is absolutely no reason to prove yourself to ANYONE - and what am I trying to prove, that I am smart and can get into university? That someone who has a degree deserves more respect? Well, I will tell you what I have learned, I got into University and to be totally honest, that ain't saying much because I met some pretty dense people there, who also got into this "prestigious university land" ... and I will say this, some things cannot be taught, so, I am gonna take my common sense and see myself out! Doesn't being a decent human being mean that we are deserve the same amount of respect? I think so and the world is getting there and changing it's views but we still have a little ways to go. Do what makes you happy, my friend, life is to short to prove yourself to people you don't even like.
Ahh, yes and then came the honestly, "inevitable, everyone called it from the start including me, heartbreak" but you know, I think back now about it and even though, I knew it was really not going to go anywhere good, I continued on with it. Which reminded me that sometimes we can see from the outside that something isn't good for our friend, or loved one and until they see it themselves, your words are in one ear out the other and all you can do is be there for your friend, when things fall apart. Because even though, I knew it was going to end badly, I wasn't quite prepared for how it did end. Actually I was in no way prepared. It felt like someone kicked me with both feet in the stomach and the wind was knocked out of me. I was shaken to the core that someone could just change their mind that fast, or pretend that nothing was wrong. Someone who you saw a couple a days ago and acted like everything was fine, kissed you goodbye, full well knowing that he was just waiting a couple days. leaving me live inside this ignorance bliss bubble. But I suppose that is the reality, because sometimes people change their minds and people leave, and when we put our happiness in their hands, it will break... Though the difference between him and I, I can't fake that, when it is over in my heart, it is over in my actions and even my words, there is no faking it... Unfortunately for me, I was with someone who could put all emotions aside and do whatever he had to do, and that to me is a scary damn human.
Moving on from that! Well... about a whopping 4 months later, I met a wonderfully, sweet, tall, completely open book and also rather persistent human . We met, unfortunately online ( I always, as a romantic, had this meet cute in my mind) but to be honest that just really isn't that common these days. After a couple weeks of talking, and him being very nice, and me also turning him down regarding a few meet ups, finally I decided maybe this guy was worth a shot. He was kind, sweet and respectful, to my rather dismissive demeanour... the least I could do is dinner. Well, I am not actually sure I was prepared how easy it was. He was even easier to talk to in person, he was funny and easy going and it felt like I had known him for years. We had dinner and dessert and said our goodbyes and to be honest and completely cheesy, I think I just knew... Well here we are over a year later and he is still pretty darn sweet and I definitely know now! I didn't think I would meet someone who fit in with my family and my friends so well and it is so easy and I really think if the first little while isn't easy it is a tell tale sign, because I know it is going to get hard... I know that this easiness won't always be here but I truly believe that with him, when we are faced with a problem we will be able to get through it together and that when the going gets tough, he isn't going to just "change his mind" and this is something I can't really explain in words because it is something that he continues to prove to me with his actions.
Along with all of these moments, has come a lot of tragedy. I have seen and dealt with more death in the last couple years than I thought I would ever have to at my age. I have seen families completely consumed by tragic deaths of their loved ones and if seeing these things doesn't put the importance of being happy and spending all the time you have on this earth with the people you love the most, whether it is friends or family, I am not sure what ever could. I am from a small town, so small you've almost certainly never heard of it if you don't know already. I have watched an entire community come together to say goodbye to lives taken way too soon from this earth and with that comes a lot of confusion... why them? Why not me? Why that family and not mine? and the only conclusion that I came to, was we will never know and that is probably the most unsatisfying answer I have ever come to the conclusion of. With death, has come a lot of loves, a lot of putting things in perspective and a lot of being grateful for the time that you have here. That it is just a bad day, not a bad life. I have never felt so much love from anyone, then the community I am from. It has been truly shaken by these deaths and there is so much love and solidarity when we are together. We have been through something that is unbreakable and we have banded together, and wrapped up those families with so much love in hopes that even a small part of their day can be made a little better by it and that is something I am so proud of, I am so thankful for the place I call home.
I am working on me. I have always been so jealous of the people who have such a sense of themselves that there is no question, they have such a strong character and it is unwavering. Me on the other hand? I think I have been a little all over the place. I think I can be a little bit of a chameleon, I kind of adapt to my surroundings and that is something that I never really liked. I want so badly to be black and white but I am starting to realize that I come in 50 shades of grey. HAHAHHAAH I wrote that out without thinking about it and I laughed so hard and I am not changing it. LOL. Anyways, not in a freaky way, but there is just a lot to me and a lot to my personality and sometimes, I am warm and welcoming and bubbly and sometimes, I am cold and a little detached and that is just the reality because I have tried to change and it is exhausting because the real me always comes out. I can be loud and extroverted and I can also be quiet and introverted and overwhelmed by crowds, it really depends and I never really know... So if sometimes I seem a little detached, or quiet, I can't really help it, it is just where I am at that day and there can be so many reasons why.. I really get a sense of people's emotions and I take those on, so in a stressful or heavy situation in a group full of people it is draining and it is never anything personal. but most of the time, I am taking a lot of time to work through all of those feelings and emotions I am absorbing. I am such a feeling person, I hate it sometimes because it is exhausting.
Anyways, this is what is new... For the most part and I started this thing, so I should keep up with it. As always, thank you for reading and for coming back after 2 years <3
xo.
Shelby
P.S - it is late and I did not proof read so forgive me! Haha
Well it seems it has been awhile since I wrote last and I honestly cannot believe it has been over 8 years since I started this blog, man, if I had kept up it would have been amazing.... But seeing as how I haven't written in 2 years, it is not so miraculous. Anywho, I have been trying to focus more on self care these days and I remember how much I enjoyed writing in here.
So... What's new? Uhmm I want to take the easy way out and say nothing but it has been 2 years, so obviously something is new!
1. I called it quits with my B.Ed for honestly, a lot of different reasons.
2. I went back to doing hair - who would have thought!
3. I went through a really hard breakup and a broken heart.
4. I met the most wonderful human.
5. I dealt with a lot of death.
6. I am starting to figure myself out.
Well, where shall we start to elaborate on any of that...
How about school... Well, I did almost 2 years of school and it was hard. School is not something that has ever come easy to me and I pushed through those two years, and I think the biggest reason for leaving it all behind was simply a lack of encouragement from a lot of my mentor teachers. Not one of them told me that it would all be worth it in the end, or to keep pushing through. They did tell me that I chose a very difficult career that really had a way of consuming your life and when I sat back and looked at it all, I wasn't so sure that my whole heart was in it and I began to struggle, on paper and mentally. I felt that I had a lot of teachers growing up who felt "meh" about their jobs and I never ever wanted to just be a mediocre teacher, I wanted so badly to love it and everyone encouraged me and told me I would be so good at it and I tried and tried and it just didn't feel right at the end of the day and I think that I liked the idea of being a teacher more than anything else (I mean, aside from the kids. I really liked them too) ... as I began to doubt my choices, my grades reflected it that immensely, I began to waiver and so did everything else. Eventually, the choice was made, this was not my path.
Hair.... Well that came right after. I had decided right after hair school that this was never going to be something I pursued, for many reasons again but the main reason for this one was I think, at the end of the day because it scared the hell out of me and to be completely honest, a lot of society telling me "you could do so much more..." and I felt like I had to prove myself, to some phantom out there, to people I didn't care about or maybe even know. I had to prove to them that I could do more than hair, "because anyone can do hair." WELL - first thing I learned, the hard way, hair is not easy and damn to those people who think otherwise - and the second thing I learned and am forever learning is that there is absolutely no reason to prove yourself to ANYONE - and what am I trying to prove, that I am smart and can get into university? That someone who has a degree deserves more respect? Well, I will tell you what I have learned, I got into University and to be totally honest, that ain't saying much because I met some pretty dense people there, who also got into this "prestigious university land" ... and I will say this, some things cannot be taught, so, I am gonna take my common sense and see myself out! Doesn't being a decent human being mean that we are deserve the same amount of respect? I think so and the world is getting there and changing it's views but we still have a little ways to go. Do what makes you happy, my friend, life is to short to prove yourself to people you don't even like.
Ahh, yes and then came the honestly, "inevitable, everyone called it from the start including me, heartbreak" but you know, I think back now about it and even though, I knew it was really not going to go anywhere good, I continued on with it. Which reminded me that sometimes we can see from the outside that something isn't good for our friend, or loved one and until they see it themselves, your words are in one ear out the other and all you can do is be there for your friend, when things fall apart. Because even though, I knew it was going to end badly, I wasn't quite prepared for how it did end. Actually I was in no way prepared. It felt like someone kicked me with both feet in the stomach and the wind was knocked out of me. I was shaken to the core that someone could just change their mind that fast, or pretend that nothing was wrong. Someone who you saw a couple a days ago and acted like everything was fine, kissed you goodbye, full well knowing that he was just waiting a couple days. leaving me live inside this ignorance bliss bubble. But I suppose that is the reality, because sometimes people change their minds and people leave, and when we put our happiness in their hands, it will break... Though the difference between him and I, I can't fake that, when it is over in my heart, it is over in my actions and even my words, there is no faking it... Unfortunately for me, I was with someone who could put all emotions aside and do whatever he had to do, and that to me is a scary damn human.
Moving on from that! Well... about a whopping 4 months later, I met a wonderfully, sweet, tall, completely open book and also rather persistent human . We met, unfortunately online ( I always, as a romantic, had this meet cute in my mind) but to be honest that just really isn't that common these days. After a couple weeks of talking, and him being very nice, and me also turning him down regarding a few meet ups, finally I decided maybe this guy was worth a shot. He was kind, sweet and respectful, to my rather dismissive demeanour... the least I could do is dinner. Well, I am not actually sure I was prepared how easy it was. He was even easier to talk to in person, he was funny and easy going and it felt like I had known him for years. We had dinner and dessert and said our goodbyes and to be honest and completely cheesy, I think I just knew... Well here we are over a year later and he is still pretty darn sweet and I definitely know now! I didn't think I would meet someone who fit in with my family and my friends so well and it is so easy and I really think if the first little while isn't easy it is a tell tale sign, because I know it is going to get hard... I know that this easiness won't always be here but I truly believe that with him, when we are faced with a problem we will be able to get through it together and that when the going gets tough, he isn't going to just "change his mind" and this is something I can't really explain in words because it is something that he continues to prove to me with his actions.
Along with all of these moments, has come a lot of tragedy. I have seen and dealt with more death in the last couple years than I thought I would ever have to at my age. I have seen families completely consumed by tragic deaths of their loved ones and if seeing these things doesn't put the importance of being happy and spending all the time you have on this earth with the people you love the most, whether it is friends or family, I am not sure what ever could. I am from a small town, so small you've almost certainly never heard of it if you don't know already. I have watched an entire community come together to say goodbye to lives taken way too soon from this earth and with that comes a lot of confusion... why them? Why not me? Why that family and not mine? and the only conclusion that I came to, was we will never know and that is probably the most unsatisfying answer I have ever come to the conclusion of. With death, has come a lot of loves, a lot of putting things in perspective and a lot of being grateful for the time that you have here. That it is just a bad day, not a bad life. I have never felt so much love from anyone, then the community I am from. It has been truly shaken by these deaths and there is so much love and solidarity when we are together. We have been through something that is unbreakable and we have banded together, and wrapped up those families with so much love in hopes that even a small part of their day can be made a little better by it and that is something I am so proud of, I am so thankful for the place I call home.
I am working on me. I have always been so jealous of the people who have such a sense of themselves that there is no question, they have such a strong character and it is unwavering. Me on the other hand? I think I have been a little all over the place. I think I can be a little bit of a chameleon, I kind of adapt to my surroundings and that is something that I never really liked. I want so badly to be black and white but I am starting to realize that I come in 50 shades of grey. HAHAHHAAH I wrote that out without thinking about it and I laughed so hard and I am not changing it. LOL. Anyways, not in a freaky way, but there is just a lot to me and a lot to my personality and sometimes, I am warm and welcoming and bubbly and sometimes, I am cold and a little detached and that is just the reality because I have tried to change and it is exhausting because the real me always comes out. I can be loud and extroverted and I can also be quiet and introverted and overwhelmed by crowds, it really depends and I never really know... So if sometimes I seem a little detached, or quiet, I can't really help it, it is just where I am at that day and there can be so many reasons why.. I really get a sense of people's emotions and I take those on, so in a stressful or heavy situation in a group full of people it is draining and it is never anything personal. but most of the time, I am taking a lot of time to work through all of those feelings and emotions I am absorbing. I am such a feeling person, I hate it sometimes because it is exhausting.
Anyways, this is what is new... For the most part and I started this thing, so I should keep up with it. As always, thank you for reading and for coming back after 2 years <3
xo.
Shelby
P.S - it is late and I did not proof read so forgive me! Haha
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