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Worry. Worry. Worry. All I Do Is Worry.

Well, the title says it all... This is something that I deal with every single day and it's not just a simple worry that I think most people deal with, it's a worry that makes me physically ill, a worry that drives the people I love crazy, a worry that literally eats me up inside. Some days, I think that I am just worrying my life away, waiting for something horrible to happen, losing sleep because I really have a horrible feeling that something is wrong. It's not about getting bombed, or an act of terrorism, it's isn't that I have some sort of disease or I am dying, it's that something has happened to the people that I love. That one day, one of them is going to wake up and realize that they don't need me as much as I need them or need me at all. This type of anxiety is beyond painful and for someone who doesn't deal with it, it seems almost surreal to them. That some minuscule things could affect me in such a way... But when my mom leaves the city to drive home and she doesn't let me know she has made it, my mind creates the most horrible and yet simplest conclusions, that she has died. I know that may sound absurd and I absolutely hate that my mind goes to that but I can't help it. So tonight, I sit here writing because I can't sleep. Even though I am unbelievably tired, I feel that somewhere, something is wrong with someone I love. Although, I have texted or talked to the people who know that my mind goes to these awful places to make sure they are okay, I can't shake the feeling.  I think another thing that is really hard for me is that I love and depend on these people so much, it scares me. The thought of not being apart of their lives or not having them in mine is truly detrimental to me and it feels awful because it really does give those few people a lot of power over me, and although I have lost people I never thought I could live without and I've survived, it's not something I ever want to go through. But in my 23 years of worrying life, I have found some people who completely understand where I am coming from and are never angry at me for texting them a million times  to see if they are okay just because I have a bad feeling and the friends that can't understand because their minds simply don't work like that, try their best to understand what I am dealing with everyday, Anxiety is a horrible, horrible thing that can truly ruins people's days, years or if left alone, lives. As much as I try to be carefree and let things come to me if they are meant to, it's just not who I am. Although, I wish more than almost anything that I was. I am not an easy person to love sometimes. I think that on the exterior I can come off as stand offish to some people, a little further down, I am easier to love. I am thoughtful, I try my best to be kind and good, but deep, deep down, the Shelby that only a select amount of people get to see is hard to love some days, I know that and that is why I appreciate the people who see who I truly am and  not the person my anxiety makes me out to be. I am an extremely self aware person and I know my emotions very well. However, just because I have let you into a very personal thing I deal with, doesn't mean I am a weak person. I believe it takes a lot of courage to have a kind heart in a cruel world. Someone I once knew sent me this quote and I couldn't agree more. It does take courage.



So, to my friends and family who "deal" with me and my anxiety, I would like to say this: I like being in control, I like knowing what you're doing, where you are, I don't need to know who you're with, or what movie you might be seeing, I just need to know that you are okay and not because I don't trust you but because I worry about you, constantly. Because I love you so much it scares me.

If you love someone, friend, significant other, parent, sibling, anyone who deals with this sort anxiety, please remember one thing: be kind. They know that they are hard to deal with sometimes, they know that some of the things they say are irrational.


I found this link and I think it really outlines some great points if you love someone who deals with anxiety, so take a look if you want. 13 Things To Remember If You Love Someone With Anxiety




Thank you for reading today. I am sorry I have been very absent with my blogging lately, I have been going through a lot of personal things that have made it hard for me to focus my attention on any other things and if I can, it has to be school because that is what keeps me busy these days. I hope that one day I am able to talk about what I am going through, and dealing with but until then, thank you to all of you for being apart of my life. Remind the people in your life that you love them.

Xo

-Shelb
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