Growing Up... Live and Learn.

Hey guys! Sorry it has been a little while. I just feel like I can't write without some sort of inspiration and today my inspiration isn't the happiest of memories but definitely one of my stepping stones to growing up. On Facebook there is a "On This Day" app and it basically shows you all of your statuses or pictures on that particular day in past years. Well today, June 2nd my Facebook status was about how excited I was to go wedding dress shopping 3 years ago and I sat there reading it and not being able to believe how much had changed within those 3 years. I know I always come back to being engaged and my ex a lot and now that isn't because I'm not over it but honestly, that was probably the biggest turning point in my life thus far. I see all of these statuses each day and they take me down memory lane, they mostly remind me how happy and in love I was, or how many amazing friends I had/have. I say had/have because I can't believe how many people have come and gone in my life, they aren't necessarily gone but they are not nearly as prominent in my life as they were before and these are people that helped shape the person I am today. It just amazes me how much can change in such a short period of time and some people have told me I am strong, some have told me that it was easy because I was the one who did the breaking up and some have told me that it hasn't really hit me because he is still in my life... Now those last people, I think they were right. My ex and I were on pretty great terms up until a couple of months ago, it was almost like I never really lost him and maybe that is selfish of me and both of us realizing that in the end it would probably be best if we did in fact completely cut ties. Well... I can tell you that when we broke up in 2013 it hurt, it was hard but I never really had to say goodbye. In April however, I had to say goodbye to someone whom I hadn't lived without for a quarter of my life, now that was hard. Even though I knew it was for the best it still didn't make it any easier. Then I realized that life isn't fucking easy and it is impossible to please people, and friends and significant others all the time and that life is full of so many changes that it seems impossible to keep up. There are people that I don't want to let down, walk away from or hurt but sometimes it seems to be inevitable. Things in life change and I know that there are some people in my life that I will never really "say goodbye too" but there are others that I feel are on such different paths from me that, unfortunately it just happens. I have met new friends, held on dearly to old ones and drifted away from some. I don't blame the people that I have drifted away from and I hope that they don't blame me, sometimes it is just what happens and although it is cheesy we have to be thankful that they were there for us for that period of time and not sad that they aren't anymore.    I just wish things were simple and clean cut. I wish that my heart wasn't so fragile and I wish that I didn't wear my heart on my  sleeve. I put up quite the wall and I think that I believe the best way not to get my heartbroken is to sometimes pretend I don't have one. I have been on every side of a broken heart it seems and even though it has all seemed impossible to work through at the time, eventually it works out the best that it can. If you are meant to be with someone, you will be with them and I think that the biggest lesson that I have learned so far is that if someone doesn't like me for exactly who I am then I really don't need them around because I do have plenty of people who see all of my flaws and love me none the less. The other thing that I am really trying to be okay with and work with is, change. Life is constantly changing in ways that sometimes make absolutely no sense, but a lot of the time, change can be good. Life throws all sorts of crap at us, and there are people in my life that have hurled mountains whereas I have merely jumped over a puddle, but putting yourself in their shoes as best as you can really allows you to step back, look at your life, and realize just how lucky you are, for your parents, or that one friend, or that group of friends, your amazing significant other or your amazing coworkers. Anything, we all have at least one thing or person to be grateful for and that makes the heartache just a little bit more bearable.  There are moments when I do stupid things that only 23 year olds would do, make stupid decisions that never benefit anyone but me mostly, but I think that it what being young is about, I can be selfish and do things for me but I can also be extremely selfless and somedays I feel much older than 23, 30 maybe even 35. Maybe one day my mind and soul will meet up with my biological age, at least I hope so.  I think that I am an extremely strong emotional person, I know myself and I know what I can take and what I cannot.  I believe that we meet some people that we are never supposed to say goodbye too, some people that are truly friends for life and I know that I have most definitely been blessed with some of those, and I also believe that we meet people who are either going to be a quick blessing or a bloody tough lesson.  I know that I can be selfish sometimes and I appreciate all of my friends putting up with me through that, some more than others, but I love you and please know that if you're reading this then you are loved. I appreciate you taking the time to read through my thoughts, my pain and my happiness. I hope that things eventually become easier but I know that, that's just me wishing on a star.  I do believe that when it comes to love, it will happen for me again when it is supposed to, when it comes to family, I am truly blessed and when it comes to friends, I am as lucky as can be.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, you got this.

xo

-Shelb