Love.

Well, it is a good old Tuesday night and I can't sleep... What better way to spend my time than writing in my blog. It has been a while!! This one is going to be about love. I am not sure exactly what direction I am headed but sometimes the best creations have no plan! ;)

You know you always hear that you will never love anyone as much as your first love, or never fully immerse yourself into a relationship after your first heartbreak. I think that those thoughts are partially true... I know for a fact that my next relationship will be entered with much more caution than my first one was. I didn't know what it felt like to have my heart broken, to be hurt that much... I dove in head first 100% of my heart and I had no trust issues, no problems, and it was good.  It was exactly what a first relationship should be like, I was happy. But like all relationships, the honeymoon stage ends and problems begin to arise. Now I am definitely not playing the victim in the problems department, I am crazy as hell. That much I can admit to. But with the problems came trust issues, with the trust issues came pestering, with the pestering came the anger and with the anger came the fights. We began to push each other away, yet we were completely terrified to let go. We were holding onto each other for dear life, praying that this would work and it would get easier. Then one day it hit me, we shouldn't have to hold on that hard to each other, we shouldn't have to wake up every morning and feel like we had to go to work.

I know that relationships take hard work, I know that sometimes days can be battles but I don't believe that it should be THAT hard. Perhaps I am just naive to think that, but I think that the love you share with someone should be a life raft not something you struggle to hold onto. It should be the one thing you can completely believe in. I do believe that I am a romantic, but I am not childish. I know that fights occur and there will be a difference of opinion, but above all else your love should conquer whatever is thrown in front of you. And ours didn't, we grew up, we changed, we became different people  and eventually with time, we realized that. I remember after we broke up a lot of people told me that they were proud of me, about how strong I was being about the whole situation. I was putting on a brave face, but I was hurting. But I knew I had to be a grown up about it and I knew that I couldn't dwell on something that was never meant to be. When people say sometimes love just isn't enough, it just wasn't the right love. We did love eachother, alot, but by the end of the whole relationship we weren't partners, or lovers we were best friends who were roommates. For some people that is what they think marriage should be all about, you should marry your best friend. I agree with that, but I also believe that there has to be a fine line between lover and best friend. They should give you something that you cannot get from anyone else and if you're only getting the one side of that relationship it is human nature for the mind to wander. Everyone believes in something different, everyone has a different idea of what marriage should be. I believe that a marriage should still have passion after the first year, that you still want your partner as much as you did on your wedding day, that they still give you butterflies when you see them, that you still surprise them with little gifts. You can say I am crazy, that, that stuff is just a dream. I would believe you, if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. I have seen 2 people that have been married for 30 years and the way he looks at her is the way that all women longed to be looked at and they love each other unconditionally. I know that they haven't had a perfect fairytale life, there have been hard times, just like anyone else. But these two make me believe that true love is out there. I don't think that there is a rush to find it... If you are patient and wait, it will come to you. It won't be easy everyday but it shouldn't be the hardest part of your life.  Every love story is different, every couple is different and there are probably things that the people around you won't understand but if you're ever in doubt sometimes you have to listen to your head. 

The high school sweethearts that get married and are married for their entire lives are lucky, they really are. They probably never had to experience heartbreak  and that sort of pain is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. But unfortunately most people don't grow in the same direction, it's okay to grow apart and set each other free. Some people just don't work as a couple and sometimes the love you share isn't enough. There is no reason to hold people back, and if you're holding them back then chances are you're doing the same to yourself. I know that one day I will find the person who is my true love, that gives me butterflies even when we are old and grey, who asks me to dance in the living room just because or surprises me with dinner after a long day. The right person is out there, but you can't rush something you want to last forever.

Who knows what I am talking about anyways, it is 3 am and hell I am only 22. What do I know. What I do know is that I love, love. I really do, I've had my heart broken and I still believe in it.


xoxo
-Shelb