This is going to be one that is unbelievably personal... I know that my other ones have been as well but this is something that is really hard for me to talk about and the hardest one to share.... So bear with me. And be kind.
There are people out there who always seem to be happy and look on the bright side all of the time. I truly wish I was one of those people... I can be pessimistic and really down somedays and alot of the time these are the days when I just lock myself in my room or go for a walk and try to do something that make me happy. When I have my highs I am elated; to be around people, to go to school. go to work, heck to do anything really... But when I have my lows, it is internal, and although I may be smiling or laughing, something on the inside just brings me down and it is taking all of my energy just to do that. There are very few things and people I rely on to help me when I am stuck in these ruts. Those are the days when it seems like everything is going wrong and no matter what I try to do I can't seem to beat it. So, on days like this, like I said, I keep to myself. I read, write, go outside, really take the time to focus on myself and remind myself how lucky I am to have all the amazing people in my life. But even then, sometimes nothing seems to help and I'm just sad. I am good at masking it, I think but somedays are much harder than others and nothing is harder than having someone say, "oh smile, life can't be that bad." and the funny thing is, they are right, I have no actual reason to be sad... I simply cannot control it. I can't control the thoughts I have.
For a long time, I was really embarrased by the fact I thought there was a chance that their might be something wrong. I tried to hide it and would always deny it or say "Oh I wouldn't know." After a few years, I came to term with the facts. I never talked about it, but I did alot of research. I felt like an outsider, that no one could possibly understand what I went through on a daily basis. However, after searching and finding out a whole bunch of facts, I learned that it is a chemical imbalance in your brain and that 1 in 4 people will be depressed at one point in their life and that there are a few different types of depression that people deal with.
Now, although I said I used to be embarrased by the fact, I'm not anymore. I work really hard and do alot of things I know will help with my mood and although I have been dealing with this for a very long time it has gotten so much better. I am so thankful and happy with my life, I really am. I still have some crappy days but they are far and few between and when those days occur I know that at the end of the day, I am going to be okay. Usually there is someone in my life that helps by just being there and those are the people you have to hold onto. If someone makes you happy then that is all that matters. Everyone has their own personal life raft.
The reason I wrote this blog is simply because I hope that somehow, someway, my experiences will help other people. I want people to know that if they are suffering from what they think is depression that it's okay to talk to someone about it and it's nothing to be ashamed of. We cant change the way we are. We just have to remember the good things in life and be thankful for them. And the next time you want to tell someone to "smile because life isnt that bad" maybe take a second to think about it. There are so many things that are going on inside that persons head that you may not know about it and truth be told they probably want to smile but cannot seem to find the energy just to do that.
Be kind to the people around you. Everyone is fighting their own battles.
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